Schooldays Nostalgia Tours

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Your transport for the day

Our themed days perfectly recreate the experience of a day at school in the late 1990s.

A typical itinerary for the 2015/16 season is outlined below – book now to avoid disappointment.

7am

Your ‘father’ will throw open your bedroom door, turn the overhead light on, shout ‘Get up! You’re going to be late!’ and exit swiftly, leaving the door open.

7.30am

After the inevitable lie-in, you will be forced to rise with a full bladder.

7.35am

Shower (widdling in the cubicle is permitted in these circumstances).

7.50am

You will find a selection of freshly ironed, stiff shirts, fresh from the packet, in your wardrobe. You are expected to ignore these and opt for the worn-out comfortable ones you’ve had for the last four years.

8.00am

Breakfast. A selection of cereals will be provided. Packets purporting to contain an interesting cereal may be harbouring an extra bag of something more boring, such as Rice Krispies – be warned.

Please note that any free toys remain the property of Schooldays Nostalgia Tours.

8.15am

Please follow the directions to walk to the bus stop, in the rain. For an extra charge you may ask your father for a lift, a request which will be refused. You are expected to avoid wearing a rain coat to dodge aspersions being cast about your sexuality by your schoolmates.

Upon arrival at the bus stop you will undertake a five minute programme of administering and receiving dead arms and casual insults.

8.45am

As the bus approaches the school, the vibration of its engine will render all male participants unable to leave the bus with any dignity. This is normal and you will be given a couple of minutes to compose/rearrange yourselves.

9.00am

Start your day with a double period of mathematics. At ten-minute intervals gaseous sedatives will be pumped into the room to lower your concentration to authentic levels.

You may be asked to contribute answers without prior warning.

10am

PE lessons. Extra mud and sick notes available on request.

As part of our package, any spectacle wearers will be hit in the face with a football at some point during the lesson.

12.15pm

Lunch in our specially-built replica canteen – providing a menu of gristle curry and rice or rubbery burgers in stale bread with chips, cans of Coke and a grumpy woman stamping your dinner ticket. No vegetarian option.

Feel free to indulge in horseplay, high jinks and general buffoonery. Our team of realistically grumpy teachers, clad in tweed sports jackets, will interject if things get out of hand. For the purposes of realism, you may be given a Saturday detention. You are obliged to attend.

1.00pm

Physics. You are expected to laugh at the word ‘Uranus.’

1.30pm

Biology. You are expected to snigger during sex education.

2.00pm

Chemistry. You are expected to set fire to something with a Bunsen burner.

3.30pm

You are advised to make your way to the bus as promptly as possible, since popular seats on the return journey are allocated on a first-come, first-served basis. Due to high demand only the coolest students (as determined by our judging panel) will be allowed to sit at the back.

Special prizes will be presented at the end of the day for the pupil with the loudest earphones and for whoever successfully guesses the progenitor of the smelliest fart.*

*”He who smelt it dealt it” is not an acceptable methodology.

3.55pm

Skid in dog shit when you get off the bus. Furiously scrape your shoe on the nearest kerb.

4.10pm

Upon your return ‘home’, you are free to indulge yourself from an extensive range of biscuits and bread products in order to put yourself off your tea.

4.30pm

You will be shown into the living room/gaming suite, where a Nintendo 64, loaded with GoldenEye in two-player mode, and hooked up to a 1995 Nicam television awaits you. Play of at least two hours (or until your head hurts) is recommended.

6.30pm

To close the day, dinner will be served. You will be expected to sit at the table, turn the television off, talk about your day, and complain about the meal.

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