Reverend Frog’s Misguided Guide to Dating

Relationships. It’s a tough world out there, but if you’re lucky enough to have snared an unsuspecting partner, here are Reverend Frog’s six steps to guaranteed success.

Make her come to you

Chivalry is an outdated concept and only reinforces negative gender stereotypes. Remember to tell your date this as she arrives at your house dripping wet from the walk from the bus stop. Also remember to remind her that, when she leaves again, she should use the bus stop across the road from the one where she alighted. Perhaps even show her on Google Streetview and offer to lend her your least favourite umbrella. She will hugely appreciate this gesture.

If she has driven herself over, then graciously allow her to take you both to the evening’s venue in her car.

Go for a beer, not a coffee

If it is your first date, chances are that you’ll have bugger all of significance to say to each other. You’ll be hating every second of it as it is, so fuelling your neuroses with caffeine is not a good idea.

Instead, escort your date to the nearest hostelry where you should take great care to get as hopelessly legless in as short a timeframe as possible.

As long as you are plastered yourself, your date’s mental competency is less than important. Drink quickly and your hepatic system will do the rest. Remember that it is probably bad form to spend all your money on yourself, so offer to get your companion an orange juice once every four pints or so.

Call the shots over dinner

If you have followed the first couple of steps correctly, going for dinner with your conquest should be a formality.

Restaurant choice is a man’s game – she may know a lovely little place in Covent Garden that she adores because the owner once donated his kidney to her and the atmosphere is just heavenly, but do not allow yourself to be swayed. A real man makes decisions and sticks by them. McDonalds usually does the trick – they’re everywhere and the chance of getting stabbed in one of their restaurants is significantly lower than it used to be. If she’s a picky eater, take her to Pret a Manger.

Don’t quail at the idea of going Dutch: offering to pay for everything may set a dangerous precedent for later in the relationship.

Control the conversation

Don’t let her dominate – once women get started you’ll never stop them again. Be sure to inform her of your most desirable character traits, such as your passionate love for your favourite football team and how many previous lovers you have had. Also make sure you ask her the same question early in the evening – she won’t mind.

Humour her if she starts talking during an unguarded moment when you’re having a sip of your drink, but remember not to ever look her in the eyes – you don’t want to look like a weirdo.

Get her back to yours quickly

If all goes well…then it’s back to your place.

There’s nothing more annoying to a woman than a man pussyfooting around the issue, so tell her to go upstairs as soon as you’re through the door, unless of course you live in a bungalow or a caravan.

If you need to, ensure you urinate loudly with the door open and vocally express your satisfaction. Flatulence in this scenario is actively encouraged: she will appreciate your refreshing honesty.

Music in the background is often a good idea as you approach the crucial moment. Blasting heavy metal such as Metallica or Slipknot is ideal as it will challenge her perceived notions of romantic music, as well as drowning out the sound of the bedsprings.

And finally…

Allow her to see herself out, ask her to switch the light off as she goes, and wait for the grateful text.

If you remembered to get her number.

Reverend Frog’s Guide to Good Driving

Let’s be honest, there are, as Lloyd Christmas says in Dumb and Dumber, a ‘lot of bad drivers out there.’ I’m not one of them: in fact I’m superb. Here I’ll share with you all my secrets of being the cream of the motoring crop:

Rev your engine at traffic lights

Not only is enthusiastic use of the accelerator when the car is stationary very good for the engine, it will also make the young male driver appear twenty times more attractive to women.

Money, charm, wit, good looks, the ability to speak foreign languages – forget it. The opposite sex love nothing more than a man who knows how to stand on his throttle – that’s all there is to it.

Tailgate

Some old duffer in front of you is travelling at the speed limit. How infuriating, not to mention selfish. Speed limits are only there to stop silly pedestrians being killed – they should be more careful anyway. If they stayed on the pavements with all the cyclists they’d be fine. Let’s be honest, if it came to a fight, they’re going to lose out anyway.

So if you have a road hog crawling along in front, there’s only one thing for it: zoom up behind the slow-moving car and maintain a gap of between one and three inches, maximum four. If that doesn’t give them the message, nothing will. if in doubt, blare your horn at them to make sure they’re aware of your presence. After all, that is what the horn is for, according to the Highway Code.

If, instead of getting the hell out of the way, they stand on the brakes (for some lame reason, such as a child running into the road) and you crash into the back of them, be sure to give them plenty of verbal abuse upon leaping out of your car so they know who’s boss. If they ask for your insurance details, be sure to calmly get into your car and drive off. If yours is too damaged to continue its journey, take theirs.

Sitting in close proximity to the car in front is also good for the environment since it reduces aerodynamic drag and fuel consumption. Who knew?

Do burnouts away from standing starts

With reference to point #1 above, this is another guaranteed ratings-winner with the ladies. Those doubters that scoff that you have the clutch control of someone with a concrete bollard instead of a left leg are just jealous. Take it from me the resulting acrid plume of tyre smoke will more than make up for that lingering doubt in their minds. It will also leave a handy trail of grippy rubber embedded in the road for a swift getaway the next time you use that particular set of traffic lights.

Use the racing line into corners

This is something they tell you to do before you’re allowed to join the Institute of Advanced Motorists, so it must be good. Ensure you always, without fail, sweep out on to the wrong side of the road before entering a corner, whether you can see what’s coming or not. Remember to shout to the motorist you have left embedded in the drystone wall that you were merely obeying the principles of advanced driving and that he should have done the same.

Speed at every opportunity

There has recently been a campaign to up the UK’s motorway speed limit to 80mph, because everyone drives at that speed anyway. Speed isn’t what does the damage: it’s the impact of idiots who get in your way and damage your pride and joy.

If everyone travelled at greater speeds then schools wouldn’t be located on main roads, reducing clutter, pensioners wouldn’t drive at all, and everyone would reach their destination more quickly and less stressed, meaning a huge boost in productivity and a much-needed fillip to the economy.

Just you remember that the next time your foot hovers over the brake pedal……

Tomorrow, Pastor Newt presents his guide to clubbing!

Isn’t it ironic…..

In 1995, Alanis Morrisette released her well-received but lyrically-maligned song ‘Ironic,’ famed for containing nothing ironic whatsoever. Here, the Lilly Pad Collective wonders what annoying but very non-ironic scenarios might have been culled from Miss Morrisette’s song sheet.

'Yeah, irony is like goldy and bronzy only it's made of iron'
  • It’s like a train when you need to sneeze: It’s early morning, you suspect you’re starting to become gripped by the cold, and you’re on a packed train/bus with the armpit of somebody a foot taller wedged in your face. Suddenly, there it is, that inevitable, unavoidable tickling sensation that means a sneeze is not very far away. Nose-rubbing and screwing your face up keeps it at bay for a few seconds, but it’s like trying to ward off a tiger with a lolly stick. When it arrives, you have no time to react or reach for a tissue and end up firing both barrels all over yourself and anyone within a two-foot radius.
  • Like having a shower with no gel: As soon as you stand under that relaxing stream of piping hot water, there is something inhuman about leaving the cubicle again before you’re ready. So when you’re mid-flow and realise there is no soap or shower gel to be seen, you’d rather wash with your girlfriend’s fifteen-quid bottle of coconut and honey hair conditioner than brave the cold again.
  • Like having no cacks to go to work: It’s the weekend, a time for drinking, vomiting and Alka-Seltzer. And not something as inane as washing your underwear. When you realise on Monday morning that your smalls have been festering since the start of last week, there is little for it save the ‘inside out’ approach and a slight whiff following you about all day.
  • Being stuck in the cinema needing a wee: You’ve gone to the cinema and for some stupid reason unbeknownst to anyone, especially you, ordered the most gargantuan drink on the menu. It has skinned you twelve quid and if you finish it, you will develop diabetes on the spot. You are then forced to sit in the middle of a flock of overweight strangers, meaning that swift toilet access is but a wonderful dream. Before the trailers have even finished you are in agony, and with no escape.
  • And spending your phone bill money on a cheap meal: Funds are painfully tight but you are persuaded to go for a burger by a friend who gives nary a hoot about your predicament. To your delight the local ATM grants you a fiver and you are soon the proud owner of a beef quarter pounder from Chicken Universe. The next day a filthy, underhanded direct debit sneaks out of your account and overdraws it. You panic and borrow money to plug the hole. Your bank then charges you a whopping fee for going overdrawn in the first place, overdrawing your account again and applying another overdraft charge.*

*actually, this scenario is dipping into ironic territory: being charged money for having no money, but that hurts our little minds too much to think about coherently.

And to make us seem smart,  five things that actually are ironic…..

  • People mispronouncing the word ‘mispronunciation’
  • Believing someone who untruthfully says ‘I never lie’
  • The majority of the London Underground network isn’t underground
  • Somebody minding their step on a wet floor so intently that they trip over the wet floor warning sign
  • The number of people that don’t understand what irony is