Make her come to you
Chivalry is an outdated concept and only reinforces negative gender stereotypes. Remember to tell your date this as she arrives at your house dripping wet from the walk from the bus stop. Also remember to remind her that, when she leaves again, she should use the bus stop across the road from the one where she alighted. Perhaps even show her on Google Streetview and offer to lend her your least favourite umbrella. She will hugely appreciate this gesture.
If she has driven herself over, then graciously allow her to take you both to the evening’s venue in her car.
Go for a beer, not a coffee
If it is your first date, chances are that you’ll have bugger all of significance to say to each other. You’ll be hating every second of it as it is, so fuelling your neuroses with caffeine is not a good idea.
Instead, escort your date to the nearest hostelry where you should take great care to get as hopelessly legless in as short a timeframe as possible.
As long as you are plastered yourself, your date’s mental competency is less than important. Drink quickly and your hepatic system will do the rest. Remember that it is probably bad form to spend all your money on yourself, so offer to get your companion an orange juice once every four pints or so.
Call the shots over dinner
If you have followed the first couple of steps correctly, going for dinner with your conquest should be a formality.
Restaurant choice is a man’s game – she may know a lovely little place in Covent Garden that she adores because the owner once donated his kidney to her and the atmosphere is just heavenly, but do not allow yourself to be swayed. A real man makes decisions and sticks by them. McDonalds usually does the trick – they’re everywhere and the chance of getting stabbed in one of their restaurants is significantly lower than it used to be. If she’s a picky eater, take her to Pret a Manger.
Don’t quail at the idea of going Dutch: offering to pay for everything may set a dangerous precedent for later in the relationship.
Control the conversation
Don’t let her dominate – once women get started you’ll never stop them again. Be sure to inform her of your most desirable character traits, such as your passionate love for your favourite football team and how many previous lovers you have had. Also make sure you ask her the same question early in the evening – she won’t mind.
Humour her if she starts talking during an unguarded moment when you’re having a sip of your drink, but remember not to ever look her in the eyes – you don’t want to look like a weirdo.
Get her back to yours quickly
If all goes well…then it’s back to your place.
There’s nothing more annoying to a woman than a man pussyfooting around the issue, so tell her to go upstairs as soon as you’re through the door, unless of course you live in a bungalow or a caravan.
If you need to, ensure you urinate loudly with the door open and vocally express your satisfaction. Flatulence in this scenario is actively encouraged: she will appreciate your refreshing honesty.
Music in the background is often a good idea as you approach the crucial moment. Blasting heavy metal such as Metallica or Slipknot is ideal as it will challenge her perceived notions of romantic music, as well as drowning out the sound of the bedsprings.
Allow her to see herself out, ask her to switch the light off as she goes, and wait for the grateful text.
If you remembered to get her number.